27. Dreaming

I dreamed that I was at Jack and Jill’s place. We had dinner together. I don’t recall seeing the kids there. It seemed to be a friendly occasion, as though we were perhaps trying to defrost the ice in our relations after all these years. It is also pretty clear that this is being driven by their pity for me. They realize how wretchedly lonely my life has been. And there was an awkwardness to it. As we made our goodbyes and I was leaving them, I did not carry away the impression that we were really going to be friends, much less brothers again. It has been too many years and that possible world is lost to us for good.

Sylvia

“I don’t believe in God as a kind father in the sky. I don’t believe that the meek will inherit the earth: The meek get ignored and trampled. They decompose in the bloody soil of war, of business, of art, and they rot into the warm ground under the spring rains. It is the bold, the loud-mouthed, the cruel, the vital, the revolutionaries, the mighty in arms and will, who march over the soft patient flesh that lies beneath their cleated boots.”

-- Sylvia Plath, the Journals, the college years

28. Wasted

Another wasted day! Pop left to spend the weekend at Kay’s. I was feeling horny and took the laptop to my room again, and I was lost in my pornutopia for over two hours.

But wasted from what? From typing excerpts from my books onto the Internet? Where it will be promptly ignored. Some loss. Certainly there is more of a payoff to my wankfest. But that doesn’t say much about what I am doing with my life, does it?

But neither can I be bothered to even try to imagine what else I can do with what is left of my time. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from all my desperation over the years in wanting to do something real and be somebody. If there was anything I could have done, I simply missed it. And there is no point in kicking myself over it at this point. I just want to relax and go down easy.

Daily Fun

Tiny! ~ Photo by Sue Demetriou

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