Tall Men and Short Women

Woke up this morning with a bad after-effect from watching those old pornos last night. Those videos really hit hard the ‘tall men and short women’ note. I noticed it last night, but I was really feeling it as I stirred myself awake this morning. I was feeling so emasculated that I did not even have the heart to masturbate a little as I usually do upon waking up.

Celebrities and Stuff

"The Pretty Reckless - Heaven Knows" (Watch on YouTube)

ONTD

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The Old Debate Gang

Trog felt like using his old Interdictor blog, clicking to it and seeing Jon F. Morse’s name, then clicking that, I see all the old names from the Debate community, such as Absolutcalm, Catwoman, Chrissie, Zippo, and all the usual suspects. I feel some of that pain from old wounds. I am also reminded, though, that as much as I succeeded in finding a place and making a home at that community, unlike my experience at Debate Forum on Blurty, I never did get to the point where I made friends with any of them. None of them asked, and I think I refrained from asking because I was afraid of them learning about my real life. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Aside from Trog, it’s not like any of them still hang around LJ. They are too cool for that.

Saturday Afternoon

I tried another disk. Went back to disk one. I’m less happy with my purchase than I was last night. All three videos on the disk were a bust, making only the barest feint toward their ‘roughie’ status. And it threw my day off kilter with a late lunch and a late nap, and I just feel all out of whack. I’m still stirring myself up from my nap, though. Feeling punch-drunk.

Neighbors

I thought that annoying sound was the next-door neighbor trying to get a lawn-mower engine to work. It is somebody working on the punching bag. It’s a long, tall bag, a body bag, I guess. I noticed it a few days ago. I figured somebody wanted to get in some more exercise. With a little luck, maybe they’ll get bored with it. It isn’t as bad as loud music, but it still isn’t good. On the other hand, if this helps to get the dog noticed more, and for more care and consideration to be given to that dog, then I am all for it.

How Fiction Works

Mr. Wood goes off on an amusing riff about how some writers are famous for struggling to the death over every sentence, striving for literary perfection.

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Though one wonders if a great deal of time was not spent just sleeping and masturbating (Flaubert likened sentences to ejaculate). Often the excruciation of the stylist seems to be a front for writer’s block. This was the case with the marvelous American writer J. F. Powers, for instance, of whom Sean O’Faolain joked, in Wildean fashion, that he “spent the morning putting in a comma and the afternoon wondering whether or not he should replace it with a semicolon.” More usual, I think, is the kind of literary routine ascribed to the minor English writer A. C. Benson - that he did nothing all morning and then spent the afternoon writing up what he’d done in the morning.

-- James Wood, “How Fiction Works”

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So, you could say that I am at least something like a writer.

Writing Life

It looks like I have regained my old blurty swing, just capturing a moment here and there, quick and dirty, and posting it. I like the feel of it. It feels real easy and natural.

I don’t regard it as a coincidence that I have also fallen out of love with the Three Journal. It is very easy now for me to just let it lay there for days at a time. I’m sure there are a number of reasons for this. For one thing, I have been rereading it more closely, and I feel bitterly disappointed over what I am reading. I tried to put my best writing into it, and it looks pitifully awkward and self-conscious and stiff. I am inclined to think that my writing skills are such that the more effort I put into it, the worse the results. My on-the-spot blurts at least have a blunt honesty about them.

What’s more, I seem to have lost my sense of magic over my old e-friendships. It now feels very false to me, and that is all the more true with Gabe. The only reason we went so far was because she thought I was better looking. It kind of makes the whole experience empty. This is all the harder on me since I have nothing else to show for my life.

None of this is to say that I have given up on the Three Journal. It’s just going to be much slower-going, though I can see myself forgetting about it sometimes, perhaps for months at a time. My intention is to continue using it as a sort of reading bowl into which I dip from to time, and I do want to keep filling it with more chips. After all, it is all that I have to show for my life, and it still means something to me, all those old memories and disappointments. In the future, when I am writing more stuff up, I just need to keep from trying so hard and unintentionally making it worse. From me, as a writer, less really is more.

There is another big reason why I have been able to capture the old blurty mood. I have been feeling very, very deathly depressed lately. One way that I have found to pull myself through it, is to make a point of focusing on little concrete things and to blurt about that, to grab onto something solid and write a sentence or two about it. It seems to help make my sense of self to cohere better. It is on par with ‘breathe in, breathe out, one step and then another.’ Focus on something very real and clutch onto that piece of reality for all that you are worth.

Pie

Hey, I cut myself a clean slice of lemon meringue pie. I've been having some bad luck with that. I've been leaving the bottoms of my pies and cakes behind lately. Which can be pretty demoralizing.

Neighbors

The next-door neighbors are having another gathering. The little kids are out front playing around and sound perfectly like hellish demons with all that shrieking and mean laughter. I kind of wish I could bring the cats inside.

Mr. Flagg

It’s funny that I should have been feeling nostalgic for the “Debate” community this morning. Mr. Flagg puts up a post tonight at the community. He does that once or twice a year. I banter with him a little. I don’t suppose that community will ever stir back to life, much less regain its status of being the coolest place on LJ.

Just the same, I am putting my Saturday night nudie post behind a friends-lock. My comments there this evening might draw some clicks from prudish strangers to my blog. There is no point in taking unnecessary risks with the LJ administrators.